DEAR THERAPIST...

 

Dear therapist ...

Life has never been easy. Coming down to you these days feels a waste of time. Digging the crap out of my head feels like bathing a pig and I hate it. What do I gain when my little joy ebbs away like wine in a broken bottle?

I think I will need someone to stick a pin in my brain, pop a neuron or two and turn all emotions off. You know what, my life was perfect before puberty ruined everything. Look at me now, always sipping drugs and cocktails to avoid my perpetual insomnia. I use to live like everyone else. When I fell for the only angel I know, my entire world flipped and shook. What else is on the line after my days of "decent sleep" went extinct? My sense of reason and sanity? 

I feel like I’m a living joke now. Filled with nothing else but shyness, pains and tons of despair. I keep doing the same thing over and over and it keeps failing as it should. I guess I’m crazy as Einstein said. Maybe I’m stupid as the sheep. No matter the blows I get, no matter the bruises I get, the nights I lie down in bed with nothing in mind except the girl I can never have, I still swim and wallow in the mud of shame. It feels like those torments make me happy instead. I think it’s some sort of obsession now, not love. It is clear that my thirst for pains is unquenchable. 

Look at me dear

Do you see any sense of light within me?

Some say that there’s a demon in me. I get it; they may be right. Strange things never cease to occur these days. My actions keeps on getting wild and weird and so are my desires. Whispers unending, voices of wild thoughts keep eroding my sanity from the inside like a parasite.

Love ain’t my portion. My life should have something else apart from “butterflies in the tummy”; something less stressful and disturbing.

The “move on" command is invalid in my life. I can’t execute that simple phrase. Someone should show me the way please. You know what, forget it. Maybe a "shoo" may be the ultimate code.

I could survive an emotional free fall from space how much more living an entire lifetime without anyone to call my own. No matter the dent within me, I still have what it takes to make it home safe.

 

Yet still, the question trapped behind my lips has to be let out;

         “WHERE DID I GO WRONG?”

husH