Grey

Staring at my walls, forcing myself beyond the realms of sadness.

Packing my sh*t up just in case I get myself an early ride to the heavens.

I have things to say, some to make people cry, things that make the ops cheer.

This silly confession no matter how you take it still holds,

My gentle reminder to all that I was here.

 

I've lived nine lives as one, blank sheets for the one messed up perfection that held me still.

Lived most moments a bitter soul, the grey I saw the only thing I knew.

Tides rose, ripples unending, I stood an anchor while everything I knew came and left like nothing.

My life a movie it was and I the death that only remains while everyone else is consumed and gone.

 

But you.

Not loud, not sudden, but there.

Just like that, happened and it all changed. 

A crack in the grey I didn't ask for but couldn't refuse.

I made a choice that day, or maybe the choice made me

To burn every bridge I'd built in that numb world,

To risk the carefully maintained death I knew

For the terrifying possibility of being alive.

 

I bottled my toxic traits like poison I refused to let you taste.

Hunted joy to the ends of the earth just to see you smile.

Crossed oceans I didn't know existed inside me,

All so you could feel like the world was kind.

You deserved joy, so I strived for loads of it,

Building moments out of nothing, out of desperation, out of love you never asked for.

 

You never knew what you did to me.

Never will  know you are the reason I could look death straight in the eye without flinching and smile.

You made me feel like the best way ever

Not perfect, not whole, but alive in a way that mattered.

For once, the grey lifted.

For once, I wasn't the anchor, I sailed in the winds of freedom across the oceans.

 

It was messy. God, it was messy.

Short, chaotic, never enough time.

But it was ours, or at least it was mine.

And I carry no regrets for the wreck I left behind.

 

Dust to dust, ashes to ashes they say.

If I could battle the world, the devil himself, to relive it all again, I would.

But the streams of time do not recede, do not reverse.

Now I sit in my grey parlour, sour and waiting,

Not for death, but for the memory of you to fade

And it won't.

Vultures up all ready, circling my head, the end is nigh

Scythe screeching across the hallway the reaper is here

 

One last dance it is

One last time. 

 

This is my confession:

I risked it all for you.

I would do it again.

I have no regrets.